Rest, Risk, and a Right-Side-Upside-Down Year: Part Three

December 28, 2020

Rest, Risk, and a Right-Side-Upside-Down Year: Part Three

You can read part one and part two of the story here.

As I prayed in the chapel on that Good Friday, I had a strange inclination and heard the words “Catholic Match” in my head. Online dating was not something I ever had the desire to pursue. But in this moment I felt that perhaps the Lord was calling me to it. I always assumed that if I was supposed to get married, God would put someone in my path. On this day, though, I felt for the first time that someone was waiting for me online.

I knew it was too soon, so I told the Lord that I would, but not yet. The Easter Triduum continued, and for the first time since high school, I missed attending the Easter Vigil—my favorite liturgy of the year. At the end of Easter week, my quarantine ended, and I returned to my house a month later than originally planned.

Everything was strange. Not only was I in a completely different state than when I had left; the coronavirus had turned everything upside down. We were disinfecting our groceries, steering clear of other people, wondering if the virus was looming just around the corner, figuring out how best to work from home, and accompanying a housemate who was now planning a modified pandemic-style wedding.

This new reality opened the door for me to work on some things I’d been putting off. I wanted to enter into the Easter season in a deeper way, and as I did, the Lord worked a resurrection—spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I took a step in dealing with anxiety that I’d been pondering for a while. And what a difference that small step made!

I processed, grieved, and put closure on the relationship, feeling more convinced that the breakup had been for the better. As I took time with the Lord each day and reflected on the Easter mysteries, I felt the call to arise from old ways and to live in the newness of life. There was a new freedom emerging.

Our community was blessed by the presence of a priest friend who had returned from his studies in Rome and needed a temporary place to stay. Once the diocese of Lafayette, Louisiana allowed for outdoor liturgies, Fr. Michael started celebrating Mass for us in the pasture. What a gift!

The week before Pentecost, Fr. Michael announced that he would celebrate a Pentecost Vigil Mass in our chapel. Similar to the Easter Vigil, it would be celebrated after sundown. Since it would be inside, only 20 people could attend. I reserved a spot, and Father asked if I could cantor the psalms, which I happily agreed to do.

The Mass was a beautiful gift from the Lord! The theme of redemption was present. Though we hadn’t been able to attend the Easter Vigil, this Mass was a worthy exchange. The Old Testament readings touched my heart, especially when I heard the words from the book of the prophet Ezekiel, he will open your graves and have you rise from them. The Lord was speaking that directly to me.

The blessings and consolations of this season made way for a new chapter of hope. I could see that everything I had experienced—the beautiful and the challenging—had led me to this precise moment. Even if there are doubts and regrets, how can I argue with the infinite wisdom and mysterious providence of my ever-faithful God.

I knew it was time to take the next leap of faith. Let’s go back to my words of the year—rest and risk. I had rested in the Lord during this time of Easter and lockdown. Now it was time to take a risk once again. So I signed up for a month of Catholic Match and created my profile.

I starting chatting with several guys, mostly from Louisiana and Texas. I met some interesting people, for sure. Some I found to be great men, though not necessarily a fit for me. I had a couple of promising conversations. I was discovering more about what I wanted and learned not to be afraid of moving on when I wasn’t clicking with someone.

My housemates found the whole ordeal to be entertaining, and I was grateful to have their support as my wing-women.

After a discouraging interaction, I took a break for a few days, and then expanded my search to the whole US. As I weeded through the prospects, one profile really caught my attention: a man named Mike from Colorado.

He was attractive and had a wide range of interests. I saw that he was intelligent, well-rounded, and spiritual. I wanted to craft the perfect introductory message to him. I felt the Lord saying to me, “Just be sincere.” And so I typed up a few paragraphs and hit send, wondering if I would get any reply.

The next morning, quite to my surprise, I received a message back. And so began a series of conversations that led to a virtual date, which confirmed the spark between us. We were both convinced that we needed to meet in person.

Mike and I meeting in person for the first time

I felt at home when I was with Mike. Even from our first date, I was struck by how I could simply be myself. He was what I was looking for in a man. Not perfect, of course. But another person on the journey with whom my heart and soul connected. You only know it when you experience it. I knew, at least, that I was called to take the next step. And as time went on, the conviction only grew.

The craziness of 2020 wasn't over. We dealt with the challenges of distance, hurricane evacuations, forest fires, and canceled trips due to COVID risk factors. Through it all we continued to grow and make decisions about the next step for discernment, namely eliminating the physical distance between us. Once that decision was made, God quickly opened doors as only He can.

I rejoice in where the Lord has brought me this year! There are new adventures ahead! We just keep taking the next right step together, trusting in God’s plan.

As I look back on the year, I marvel at what the Lord has done. I could have never imagined where I would now be. I might have settled for what was “good enough”—but He had something greater in store. Greater than I would have dared to dream.

The process was messy and painful. But I would do it all again if I had to. Only through the painful process of putting to death the old can we make way for the new. Only through the cross can we arrive at new birth and resurrection.

The words given to me by the Lord for this past year—rest and risk—seemed contradictory at first. Only now can I see how necessary both were. I took several risks. And they were worth it. Even those which didn’t have the result I had hoped still led me to something I wouldn’t have come to otherwise. Isn’t that a mystery?

It also took resting in the Lord and (re)discovering certain truths for me to trust in His fidelity, experience new life, and be prepared for the next risk.

All I can do is praise! God used this wild, crazy, challenging, upside-down year of 2020 to turn certain things in my life right-side-up. I’m so grateful that I was able to, as Pope Francis encourages, be open to God’s surprises.