The Perpetual Wait

Seven years ago I left the consecrated community I had been part of for many years. It was a healthy discernment, and I left on good terms. Still, I suddenly found myself in a chapter of uncertainty and waiting. There were so many questions and hopes. Would I find a new community to enter? Would I land a dream job? Would God bring me a prince charming to marry? 

But for the moment there were practical tasks to be done: buying a used car, finding any job for the moment, establishing credit, learning to live “in the world.”

After time I began taking steps toward discerning my vocation again. I went on retreat with a religious order, and that was a no. I entered a relationship that ended in a no. I had a job that was reasonably fulfilling, but the pay and management left much to be desired. That wasn't something I could foresee doing long term. 

Did I have the skills to land something better? Even if I found something, would it even be what I was looking for? Did I want a career? What about that nagging desire to do mission work again? But in reality, I needed to make and save money, not trot the globe. So I kept waiting.

The Lord often speaks to me through music, and this season was no exception. One day as I was listening to Pandora, a song came on called “The Waiting” by Christian artist Jamie Grace. As I listened to the lyrics, I thought, Oh yeah! This girl understands me! 

All of the questions, secret confessions
Lord You’ll make sense of it all
And I know You’ll show up
So I’m letting go of
these thoughts that are taking control
This is the waiting
I anxiously wait.
I hold on to love that will never let go.
And in these times when my patience is tested,
Won't you remind me that I'm not alone?
Here in the waiting.

It was a gift to feel validated and understood—even if by a stranger—in that season of waiting. But you know what? Seven years later, when I now feel less lost and more certain about my path, I am still waiting. Because, in a sense, we always are. The season of Advent reminds us of that reality. We are awaiting Our Lord, awaiting His manifestation, awaiting our everlasting home. 

It is not a passive waiting. It is a fruitful waiting. Even as we wait for (fill in the blank), it doesn't mean that we're waiting to live. As we embrace the here and now, we also wait with hopeful expectation, joyful hearts, and hands oriented toward service...even if seasons of our lives feel like a perpetual Advent! The Lord is teaching us how to wait well—an essential spiritual skill. It is part of life, whatever our vocation. 

I can’t express it any better than the spiritual master Henri Nouwen, so I’ll close with his words:

Waiting is essential to the spiritual life. But waiting as a disciple of Jesus is not an empty waiting. It is a waiting with a promise in our hearts that makes already present what we are waiting for. We wait during Advent for the birth of Jesus. We wait after Easter for the coming of the Spirit, and after the ascension of Jesus we wait for his coming again in glory. We are always waiting, but it is a waiting in the conviction that we have already seen God’s footsteps.

Waiting for God is an active, alert—yes, joyful—waiting. As we wait we remember him for whom we are waiting, and as we remember him we create a community ready to welcome him when he comes.

—Henri Nouwen

This post is part of a blog hop by Spoken Women, an online community of Catholic women nurturing their creative callings. Click here to view the next post in this series "Joyful Waiting."